Why I said what I said
An Open Letter to Alice Dreger.
Dear Professor Dreger
It has come to my attention that a number of my articles and writings have, I am told, caused you to feel profoundly hurt. I genuinely regret that this is the case, but felt at the time I had to say what I did, in the way I did, because all other means of explaining my
problems with your often published opinions, particularly with regards to the intersex condition I have, this being 5 alpha reductase deficiency, seemed to go unheard. I will be truthful, I finally snapped when I saw you and Geoffrey Eugenides as good as describing me (by virtue of my having to live with 5 alpha) as some "transgender" fiction that takes the form of the book Middlesex. (More on that later.)
I noticed how in your blog the appearance of your photographs changed, sensing that somehow you were nervous about how you are presented in the public domain. There was also some speculation of the part of some observers that you had undergone cosmetic surgery. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. What was relevant was the fact that like most human beings you have self doubts. There is some sense that whatever you do, people are not satisfied. You try to represent a community of people and they are angry with you. You try to please your masters and somehow it never works out. And then even something as basic as the way you present yourself is torn apart in public by a simple cartoon. Worse still, you try to do something about it and everywhere you turn, the same thing happens: "not good enough".
Perhaps I need to explain that for most of my life, as a consequence of having the condition I have, I have myself been tormented by the self same things, and when I had just managed to get my life sorted out, I find what exactly? Well, endless publications appearing online and in the media about 5 alpha, and how I should want to turn into a man. Well, yes I do accept that people with this condition do sometimes prefer to be male after having been raised female, or male. I actually do not have an issue with that. I have an issue with the way Eugenides (quoting McGinley) turned what it means to be someone with this condition into some sort of urban myth. Incidentally I do have a stock of drawings I did of Mr Eugenides as a circus ringmaster, and he is parading people like myself as freaks in a freak show.
Do you remember that time when you hired a dwarf (your words) and took him to a museum to see an exhibit in a formaldehyde jar, of someone who had achondraplasia? And asked him how he felt, and I gather from your blog he was not entirely happy about it. I wondered whether or not you actually knew how he must have felt when you did that? Probably not all that dissimilar to how I felt when you and Geoffrey Eugenides were being "sensitive" and "caring" about people with "challenging anatomies". Oh, I heard what you said, about how people who reject their initial "sex assignment" are "transgender". I wondered if you would ever know what it felt like for me watching that disgusting spectacle.
Well, in noticing those photographs and how your face had somehow changed, I realized that yes, I could convey to you exactly what it felt like. And so I drew my response and I am led to understand it certainly hit a raw nerve. Let us be honest, Alice, it is not very
nice, is it? That horrible tingling sensation of self hatred and how it somehow manages to make you sense your face contorting into something grotesque. Well, this is exactly how I felt when I saw you and Geoffrey Eugenides on the Oprah Winfrey show proclaiming how I should exist.
I stopped attacking you around two months ago now, having seen the effect it was having, while there was much more where it came from, some of it was really damning. I decided that it was unethical to continue, believe this or not. I felt that I could not wish the sort of self hate inducing humiliation that has in the past been inflicted on me onto anyone else.
Now the point is I have always left the door open so people can talk. In fact, I have frequently stated this on numerous occasions during these "debates". Because I personally would much rather talk, settle differences and deal with the work we all have to do rather than argue about differences of opinion. I have had the series of offending articles removed from the OII website, and in its place is this letter explaining why I wrote the things I did and why I felt in the end it was the only choice that was left open to me. You simply failed to note anything I said about my life as someone with 5 alpha.
I am not a sex disorder. I do not consider any of the decisions I have made in my life anything to be ashamed of and I certainly do not feel less of a human being than anyone who was "norm born".
So I tell you what. How about we try to discuss all this again? You are someone who has written much about various health issues and ethics, and I will be truthful I have over the years found much of what you write very interesting. The only issue for me is that many of us, those you have deemed to be "disordered" are actually human beings with feelings. It is not a case of "not good enough" as far as I am concerned, more a case of not seeing people as people sometimes. Yes, we have various health issues that you would consider
"challenging" but we live our lives in the context of this. This is the point I suspect you have failed to understand. And why should you understand? I mean you do not live with the things some of us do, not facing on a day to day basis the feelings you felt when you saw my caricature of you.
As I say, the articles are now withdrawn and yes, I do apologize for posting them. I do still stick by the claim that in many respects I felt I had little choice. But hopefully now you understand why I said what I said and hope you can take the time to talk to us. If only to attempt to heal some of the wounds.
Sophia Siedlberg,
OII-United Kingdom
