Fux off, Jarrett and Drew!
The Socio-medical Emergency Monologues
By Sophia Siedlberg
© Aug. 15, 2008
Commentary on the following videoclip:
Now seems there is a new comedy team called Greg Jarrett and Ian Drew, an editor at US Weekly. Jarrett, in good old Fux tradition looks like a Gerry Anderson puppet. I assume this is why he is called "Jarrett", a contracted form of "Jerry Anderson Puppet", and Ian Drew is a screamingly camp guy who looks like a transsexual regretter with a goatee.
It was half amusing (if not ironic) to watch this penile comedy duo, (Do puppets have those bits?), picking on some contestant in "America's Top Model", making little jokes about "he-she" and "she-it". While I know very little about the complexities of "America's Top Model", I do know a little more about the sort of masochistic gay men who usually end up as editors of American magazines and who say to people like J Michael Bailey, "Gas me, Gas me!" I have no doubt just pissed off the Der Eigene Gay lobby big time. Good! That was the intention. Well, Drew and Jarrett do go so well together, don't they? You could imagine them jumping into a pink Rolls Royce and driving off into the sunset with their now comedy double act making the rounds. And when the pink Rolls Royce parks somewhere, you can hear the sound of strings twanging and goatees scrubbing as the car itself goes up and down in sexual motion.
Is this actionable libel? I hope so. Perhaps the Murdoch clan will give me a job too. I would love to be a cartoonist or columnist in some tabloid. I am a tabloid slander merchant trapped in an intersex body you see. I really have to try my best here. I would not want to work on Fux News though. Too anal, American to be honest (in every sense of the word). I am from the British Tradition of slander peddling and we tend to be a bit more refined about it. Anyway, on to America's Top Model. It seems that Jarrett and Drew have found great amusement in taking the piss out of "Isis" who bills herself as "A woman born with a man's body". I am not sure whether or not the amusement lies in the possibility that she has not had a "SEX! Swop" (UK Slander for Gender reassignment surgery). But Drew, being the expert on such matters is of course on hand (and Jarrett is on Drew's hand of course) to tell us about the voice of Isis which is:
"Well somewhere in the middle range but you can tell snigger" (A bit like Drew's own voice then).
Surely Drew would love a bit of "Shemale totty". But no, he prefers news reading marionettes which says quite a lot when you think about it. I think Fux are lowering their standards of nastiness. No longer do we have the old school "Yer wut? A bird with a dick!" as used to be seen in the UK press but this bland drab American shit run by New York Gays who only seem interested in "Trans issues" when it comes to milking the murder of such a woman for cash and theatrical effect. Perhaps the Murdoch clan should look back here in the UK at our old School "humor" instead. Remember the classics like "Roger Moore: Creak hey I kissed a man" and "James bond girl was a boy". Rankine, one of the world's best slanderers did it without any of the frills and campness of Drew or the puppet like half sniggers of Jarrett. Oh no, he put pen to paper and there was a "literary classic". In the fondly (in every sense) loved News of the Screws.
Before you get the impression that I agree with such old school tabloid "Humor" well no I don't. I just believe there was a sort of twisted honesty about it. Yes it was nasty at times but it was in some sense just a product of the time. The shit being spewed by Ian Drew was pathological hatred, there wasn't even any glimmer of humor or cynicism. No Drew just sat their talking to that other dickhead Jarrett, going out to dehumanize, demonize and vilify some woman in a supermodel contest. My point is I do not believe a 1970's UK tabloid journalist would ever have had some murderous hatred of transsexual folks. But I get that feeling from Drew and Jarrett, in fact I get the feeling they would drag someone like Isis behind a tow truck over gravel until she bled to death. And then they would make a big joke about it. This is the difference.
You see Drew shot him-herself in the foot by appearing on Fux news, looking like a transsexual regretter going on about someone who is in a contest to find a new model. I mean Drew, despite the very feminine appearance does not quite cut it as supermodel material. So are we seeing a bit of envy here? Or pathological hatred fed by his own demons? Well, hey I feel the same you know. I am jealous about the fact that such a prick and a thunderbird puppet can be seen as super-slanderers. I am far better at it than they will ever be. It simply is not fair.
See what I aspire to? Being a tabloid slanderer trapped in an intersex body. Oh I used to play with typewriters when I was a child and I loved to draw cartoons that really upset people. I did not feel like any of the other kids. I just wanted to write about the schoolteacher and what she got up to in the early hours of the morning with the local vicar. It turns out the vicar had an interest in inflatable elephants and she would dress up as one.
I was once caught looking in the mirror with a "Press" badge on. I felt so whole, like a real slanderer. It was wonderful, the rush of joy that swept through me. I was really going to get into it and have a little card with "News Group Newspapers Ltd." written on it. And write nasty things about a few "respectable" locals. I decided that one day I will have profession reassignment surgery and go from being trained as a geneticist to being a grubby tabloid journalist. I know I was throwing away scientist privilege and mocking real tabloid journalists, but this is the real me. So yes, I resent it when a puppet and a screamingly camp Der Eigene gay guy with a goatee get to appear on Fux News doing such a bad and obvious job of slandering a sexual minority, and having no style or subtlety. I aim to be more of a slanderer than a tabloid journalist. There is the saying: "A Translanderer has to be more of a libeler than a tabloid journalist" and I firmly believe in that. One day I had a wonderful experience, being able to join in with the makers of Footballer's Wives and take the piss. It was tabloid trash and something like me was conceived on a snooker table. Every commentator who mocked this was the target of my now refined slander. I felt I had really made it at last!!
But no my huge knockers and halfling bits reminded me that I was intersex and should never aspire to be a real columnist or cartoonist. I would watch with utter despair as I ached while seeing Garry Bushell taking the piss in the Sun's TV guide. I wanted oh so desperately to retaliate, in style, commenting on how the little fat git looked like he had eaten too many current buns. There he was writing all that hate on his laptop, which I promptly hacked, ferreting around for forensic evidence of his evil doing. It was not fair. Why can I not be a real tabloid slanderer. I am a slanderer trapped in an intersex body.
One day I will have my dream of working in the worst of the media, and spend time being rabidly basher-homophobic and see these basher-gay guys who are tranny and inter bashers run for their lives as I tap away on that laptop and scan my latest slanderous images. One day, soon.
