KindredSpiritLakeside

Some reflections on why transgenderism is a gift of the Holy Spirit

(Prepared by Shirley Boughton, August 2001)

What makes us transgendered? Why are we transgendered? Is it a blessing or a curse? These are questions that I have struggled with for a lifetime, but most intensely for the past two years. The answers to these questions seemed somehow critical to my very survival as well as my ability to accept myself as a transgendered person. My personality drives me to dig deeply into who I am and why. This essay explores my own answers to the questions posed at the beginning and my rationale for these answers. To answer these questions for myself I found it instructive to first review the current thinking of the scientific community. Many professionals understand manifestation of gender differences and preferences to be primarily a result of early socialization and family dynamics. Others postulate a genetic or hormonal basis. Still others believe that our gender and sexual preferences result from a combination of biology and socialization. I have now come to believe that my transgenderism was "hard wired" into me before I was born, and that the Divine architect intended this for a reason.

The Transgendered Brain:

In their 1989 book, Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women, Anne Moir and David Jessel go into considerable detail regarding the development of male and female brain patterns and support their findings with evidence from extensive biological and sociological research. Their book concentrates on the difference between male and female brain structures and the effects of these differences. The differences while small can be very significant. While this book does not go into significant detail directly concerning transgenderism, it does explain how persons with male bodies (male genitalia) can have significantly female minds (and vice versa) and how this 'opposite sex' element can vary in extent. In light of my own history their explanation resonates with me. It makes sense andfor meseems to fit. Further, John Colapinto in his recent book, As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl, largely debunks Dr. John Money's widely accepted theory that nurture defines gender if applied before the onset of puberty by challenging the results of his (Money's) landmark case. Knowing now that my transgenderism was most likely hardwired into my brain before I was born goes a long way to help me overcome years of feeling deep shame for who I amand helps me to accept and embrace the reality of my transgendered nature.

What is the basis for nature argument? Recall from our high school biology classes that it has long been understood that genes are responsible for our physical characteristics. Most of us learned that pairs of chromosomes 22 each from the mother and father control eye color, the size and shape of features such as the nose etc. One final pair of chromosomes (theoretically) determines whether the fetus develops as male or female. The mother provides an X chromosome, the father can provide either an X or a Y chromosome. If the combination is XX then the baby should be female; if it's XY, it should develop as male. There are other rarer possible combinations, which can also affect the development. But this is not the whole story. It is now recognized that all fetuses regardless of chromosome combinations initially have the capacity to develop as either male or female and that this development depends on the presence or absence of male hormones of which testosterone is the major player. If male hormones are present in sufficient quantity the baby will appear male even if its' chromosomes are XX. If they are absent or not present in sufficient amounts, the baby will appear to be female even if the chromosomes are XY.

At about 6 weeks into gestation, the XY fetus develops special cells, which produce male hormones. This allows the genetic program to differentiate the gonads into testes. The presence of these hormones, in sufficient quantities, programs the body to develop as male and suppresses the development of the female sexual organs. In the absence of sufficient quantities of male hormones the gonads will default to produce female genitalia. The basic state of the embryonic brain at this stage of development is female. Male hormones produced by the embryo's own testes later in gestation start to reprogram the brain structure from female to male. The burst of male hormones at this time reaches a level that is about four times that which will be present during early childhood. These levels are only achieved again at puberty. If the male hormones are absent to any significant degree, the brain retains its default female structure. I believe that this is what happened to me in utero. The structural differences affect the hypothalamus, which controls sexual responsiveness, and the corpus collosum, which connects the left side and right sides of the brain and permits the flow of information between them. Male brains have less ability to simultaneously access both sides of the brain and generally have more development of the right side, which gifts them with better processing of visual and spatial information and a more focused problem solving capability. The female brain structure allows freer access to both sides creating a climate for less focused or specialized data processing. The structurally more balanced female brain permits better use of the left side, which controls verbal and language fluency, but is less capable than the male brain in visual and spatial interpretation. These differences can and do have a profound impact later in education, in the work place, and in marriage. My relatively balanced abilities in both language and mathematical skills in childhood are likely the result of this more female brain structure.

The brain "reprogramming" takes time to complete. After the basic brain structure is established the hormones continue to work on the brain's wiring systems that control sexual and gender identity. The first step in brain development is to establish sexual responsiveness pathways in the hypothalamus, which contains our "mating center". Lack of sufficient quantities of testosterone at this stage can keep key components from fully developing. More recent work has clearly demonstrated that the size of the BSTc, which controls sexual responsiveness, found in the brains of transsexual male-to-female (MtF) persons more closely approximates that of a female brain than a male brain. Specifically, Zhou and associates at the Graduate School of Neuroscience in Amsterdam, Netherlands demonstrated that the central part of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc) is smaller in both female and MtF transsexuals than for either heterosexual or gay men. This sets us up (MtF transsexuals) with a future urge to respond sexually as a normal female (literally- a natural desire "to be mounted"). A follow-on study at the same institute (Kruijver et. al.) corroborated these results and concluded that this size difference is not the result of taking female hormones later in life. When my testosterone production picked up with the onset of puberty in adolescence, my natural desire was "to be mounted", which was very inconsistent with my external genitalia. Sexually, I still find that I prefer "to be mounted" even when my partner is genetically female. The use of testosterone replacement therapy later in life only served to make me more aggressive in my female sexual responsiveness.

The last stage of brain development is when the hormones work to establish our 'gender-role centers', laying down the networks in the brain which determine our preferred behavior patterns. For example: males tend to be object and function oriented while females tend to focus on people and interpersonal relationships; the male brain seeks greater space while the female seeks greater closeness; the male brain seeks dominance and power while the female brain seeks to share power; the male brain seeks to control while the female brain seeks to serve; etc. These pathways become fully activated only after the onset of puberty, but the gender differences are apparent from the moment of birth and throughout our childhood years. Again, my preferences in play and playmates as a child seem to reflect a strong female gender preference. Adult behavior preferences for me have always eschewed power, dominance and control, favoring instead shared power, interpersonal relationships and a desire to serve.

It is now known that male fetuses can generate sufficient hormones to trigger the development of male sex organs but sometimes not at a sufficient level to completely reprogram the brain. It is also known that mothers under hormone treatment during pregnancy or suffering from moderate to severe stress can also suppress male hormone levels of the developing fetus. Clinical experiments (using animals) demonstrate that the level of male hormones at various stages of brain development can determine the degree of maleness. This applied to both differing strengths of hormones and to the length of time that the brain was exposed to these hormones. While clinical trials have not (as far as I am aware) been undertaken on humans, it is believed that the same applies to us. My mother was under abnormally high levels of stress throughout her pregnancy with me due to my uncle's involvement in World War II combat operations in post D-Day France coupled with her feelings of guilt concerning my other uncle's suicide and uncertainties over my father's employment with the New Jersey State Police. In my case, I believe that sufficient testosterone was present early in my mother's pregnancy to permit development of my external male genitalia but was later suppressed due to the abnormally high levels of stress in her life.

Clearly a variation in the extent to which the brain is reprogrammed, and a consequential variation in the relative strengths of the male and female sides to that brain, explains why there is such a spectrum of transgenderism. This theory fits in well with the evidence of differing levels of transgenderism encountered in society. The term "transgenderism" is now used to cover a continuum from infrequent crossdressing to transvestites who crossdress frequently without any desire to live full time as a woman and on to those who living virtually full time 'en femme' without any intention or desire to have sex reassignment surgery (SRS) then through late developing (secondary) transsexuals to those (primary) transsexuals who knew from a very early age that their body did not match how they felt about themselves. My own opinion is that very few brains are 100% masculinized or, in the case of females, left completely unaltered. With rare exceptions all humans have some levels of both male and female hormones circulating in their bloodstream. I believe that it is self-evident that few men are totally macho without any feminine traits at all and that few women display totally feminine behavior in every respect. Nearly everyone has some "opposite sex" brain structure, but in most instances it is to a very limited degree. In the case of men, this is just as well. The male hormone acting on a male brain (or even on a female brain) generates aggression. A 100% macho male would be a decidedly unpleasant animal. Females do produce male hormones naturally, and these may be sufficient to affect the brain structure enough to result in some male characteristics without reaching the level that would make the individual fully transgendered. This could be part of the reason why some girls develop into 'tomboys' and why some women have distinctly masculine personalities.

The transgendered individual, then, is simply a person who has a brain structure that is closer to that expected for the opposite biologic sex. This structure predisposes the transgendered person to behavior patterns (sexual and/or gender related) that are 'normally' associated with members of the opposite biologic sex. These patterns are evident from infancy. The sexual responsiveness behavior patterns become most evident after the onset of puberty when activated by higher levels of male and female hormones. The degree to which a person is transgendered (has an opposite sex brain structure) determines how much that person needs to 'present' in an opposite sex role in a society that allows no provision for gender expression that is not either fully male or fully female. My desire to have female breasts and a vagina and to wear clothing culturally more appropriate for females, for example, is a natural outgrowth of my basic female brain structure. For most of my life I have waged an internal war against these (what I believed to be) "unholy" desires. I believed that I was either possessed by an evil spirit or suffered from a severe psychological disorder. Now I know that I had no choice over who I was or how I felt. There is no shame in a biological reality over which I had no choice. No one is "at fault". What is "is"!

The Transgendered Spirit:

The question for many of us, who are transgendered, is whether our biology is a result of nature's mistake (akin to a club foot), which should be fixed, or have we been deliberately designed by the divine creator for a special spiritual purpose. Do we need to seek medical assistance to conform our bodies to match our brain patterns so that we can better fit into a two-gender society, or do we represent a third gender with a specific role to play? Do we shape our bodies and our forms of dress to fit gender stereotypes or do we do these things to achieve harmony with our soul? A relatively small number of us have begun to address the spiritual implications inherent in the existence of transgendered individuals in all societies both past and present. I believe that our individual spirituality is deeply connected to and flows from our biologic reality and is shaped by the particular culture into which we are born. Scripture tells us, "Truly you have formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. I give you thanks that I am fearfully, wonderfully made; wonderful are your works." [Psalms 139:13-14] Or drawing from the Book of the Prophet Isaiah, "The Lord called me from birth, from my mother's womb he gave me my name." [Isaiah 49:1] As a transgendered person, I am a child of God and I am wonderfully made.

A Native American Perspective:

In order to address the potential role of transgendered individuals in our culture, it is instructive to look for models in other cultures. My friend Holly Boswell has been one of the leaders in exploring transgender spirituality. She and her partner, Zantui Rose, sponsor spiritual retreats for transgendered persons at their retreat center, The Bodhi Tree House, in the mountains near Asheville, N.C. Holly's paper, "The Spirit of Transgender," can be accessed through a link on the Kindred Spirits website [www.TranSpirits.org]. One of Holly's references is a thoroughly researched and well documented anthropological study by Will Roscoe entitled The Zuni Man-Woman, which describes the role of transgendered persons amongst the Zuni people, a native North American tribe in western New Mexico. Since there is no recognition of a legitimate transgender role in the current Western patriarchal society in which we live, it is instructive to look to other cultures and other times for clues to our spiritual identity. Roscoe's book focuses on the life of one prominent Zuni from the late 19th Century who happened to be transgendered. We'wha was a biologic male and a recognized and respected leader of his/her people who lived, worked and dressed as a Zuni woman from his early childhood until his death near the age of 50. She/he even traveled to Washington, D.C. where she was introduced to President Grover Cleveland and Washington society. (Note: my great-grandfather was head coachman for President Cleveland and may have met We'wha.) Zuni society is a matriarchy in which men and women have distinct roles based upon mutuality and respect for all aspects of creation. They strive to live in the "middle place" between extremes of any kind including those of gender, which is the most fundamental rift that divides human from human. Their origin myths and religion have this balance as a central tenet, and one of their most prominent gods is transgendered. The role of this god was to contribute a corrective influence upon the ruptures of social specialization. All Zuni's were to strive for a balance between their feminine and masculine selves, but the transgendered persons among them served as concrete examples for them by freely moving in both male and female social worlds. They helped both men and women reach a greater understanding of each other and themselves. The Zunis attributed transgendered individuals with multidimensional personalities that express important aspects of an archetype of wholeness. The transgender identity once crystallized was just as strong as that of male or female identity, entailing a complete constellation of skills, attitudes and behaviors. In short, the Zuni transgendered functioned as a third gender neither male nor female but encompassing aspects of both.

The Role of the Transgendered in History:

Leslie Feinberg in Transgender Warriors: Making of History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman) does an excellent job of addressing the role of our transgendered ancestors in the past. His research, as discussed in Chapter 6 of this book, has shown that MtF transsexuals often served as priestesses for the Earth-mother goddess in ancient matrilineal communal tribes that dominated the earth until the rise of patriarchal rule just a few thousand years ago. In those ancient times it was the women who controlled the means and tools of tribal survival, which were held in common (including childrearing) and handed down from mother to daughter while the men served the community as hunter-gatherers. As these communities became more efficient and prosperous, surpluses accrued and specialties developed. The concept of private ownership and individual wealth was introduced. Men, who are naturally more aggressive due to higher levels of testosterone, began to dominate and to establish clear societal "pecking orders". The members of the ruling class determined to pass accumulated wealth on to their sons. To effect this economic control by a wealthy elite, it became necessary to suppress women and to separate people into distinct classes that could be tightly controlled. Women became "property" and slavery became widespread. The hierarchical patriarchy was born and was strictly enforced by military might. Transgendered persons, as the spiritual leaders of the more egalitarian communal societies, which advocated the sharing of resources for the common good, became more and more targeted for suppression and elimination. They continued to remain popular with the peasant classes and therefore, represented a serious threat to the patriarchy.

Feinberg discusses the basis for modern anti transgender laws in modern Western society in Chapter 8. In Roman society, the transgendered were often associated with the cult of Dionysus/Bacchus, a gender bending, male-female god whose followers celebrated love and peace and eschewed war. Their pleasure-centered festivals called bacchanalia were very popular among the working class peasants. As Rome came to dominate the political landscape of the western world and accumulated its wealth through warfare, its property-owning male ruling class could no longer tolerate this cult. The Roman Senate in 186 B.C.E., which feared that the cult would adversely affect the pool of available soldiers by weakening the manhood of its followers, banned the bacchanalia. When Emperor Constantine elevated Christianity to the status of a state religion in 342 C.E., the fusion of religion with state power set the stage for the strengthening of anti transgender laws. By 390 C.E. Roman law punished transgender expression with death by fire. This anti transgender legislation became part of the Corpus juris civilis- the Roman body of law that was later used as the foundation for secular and religious law in Europe, England and the United States.

In Chapter 9, Feinberg points out that the European feudal landlords of the Middle Ages waged constant warfare against the communalism that began to flourish in the aftermath of the collapse of the Roman Empire. The powerful private armies were used to seize control of communally held land were fiercely resisted. There were frequent peasant uprisings, often led by transgendered groups, throughout these centuries to restore communalism. The Roman Catholic Church, as the largest single landowner in Europe, allied itself with the ruling class and was pivotal in suppressing these rebellions. The Church, through its control of the educational system and using its organizational and structural framework, forced the peasants to bow to the belief that private ownership of the land was divinely inspired. To do this they had to break communal bonds and beliefs in part by targeting ritual and festival transgender expression. The Christian appropriation of the Celtic festival of Samhain, which has its roots in the matrilineal communalism of Drudic culture, to become Halloween is a prime example. This celebration has long included open display of transgender expression. Because of its long and deep association with communalism, the church hierarchy tried to demonize transgender expression by linking it to witchcraft. Trans people, women charged with lesbianism, gay men, herbalists healers and anyone who challenged feudal rule faced extermination at the hands of the Inquisition.

In his next chapter, Feinberg draws some examples from Welsh, Scottish and Irish history in the Eighteenth and Nineteenth Centuries to illustrate the role of my own proud Celtic transgendered heritage. The incidents cited here include, among others, a transgender led peasant rebellion against turnpike toll barriers in western Wales ("Rebecca and her daughters") in 1839, a riot led by men disguised as woman in 1736 Edinburgh, Scotland intended to resist union with England, and a series of transgender led rural and anti-colonial struggles in Ireland from 1760 to 1770 for "restoring the ancient commons and redressing other grievances." This latter movement was ultimately suppressed by force of arms but inspired the rise of similar transgender led groups in 19th Century Ireland such as the Molly Maquires, the Lady Clares, and the Ribbon Societies. In short, we who are transgendered have always been intimately tied into the struggle for human rights as opposed to property rights. Knowing something about our place in history fills me with a sense of pride, belonging and purpose.

A View of the Transgender Personality:

Karl Jung described the transgender personality type, which he categorized as a form of homosexuality, as having"a great capacity for friendship, which often creates ties of astonishing tenderness between men and may even rescue friendship between the sexes from the limbo of the impossible. He may have good taste and an aesthetic sense which are fostered by the presence of a feminine streak. Then he may be supremely gifted as a teacher because of almost feminine insight and tact. He is likely to have a feeling for history, and to be conservative in the best sense and cherish the values of the past. Often he is endowed with a wealth of religious feelings, which help bring the ecclesia spiritualis into reality; and a spiritual receptivity which makes him responsive to revelation." This descriptor seems to fit many others as well as myself in the transgender community. What has Western civilization lost by crushing its' transgender spirits? Our society not only wastes individual potential by viewing its' transgendered as deviants to be criminalized and stigmatized, but loses potential guides to bring both men and women from the extremes of gender and class separation to an intermediate position and to help modify the abuses of capitalism. Without the transgender spirit, can we ever achieve mutuality and wholeness in our society?

Is Transgender Spirituality Compatible with Western Christianity? with the Teachings of Jesus?

I believe that we must find a way to achieve gender balance in our society based upon our own traditions and adapt a spirituality that is appropriate to our time and place in the world. We who are transgendered, who occupy a middle position by nature of our biology, are called to help guide this process. We do not necessarily need to reject our Christian roots. I do have a real problem though accepting the Western patriarchal society and religious hierarchies that have been established using the Judeo-Christian tradition and the Roman Corpus juris civilis as their legitimizing basis. Jesus warned explicitly against the establishment of a hierarchical church and even washed the feet of his own disciples as an example to them of how they must lead by serving. He consistently preached against the individual accumulation of wealth, arguing that we must share our goods with the poor if we wish to enter the Kingdom of God. Was Jesus perhaps transgendered? The early Christians were very egalitarian and inclusive of both men and women in leadership roles. As pointed out in the Acts of the Apostles, the early disciples shared everything in common. Early Christianity called for a radical shift to communalism as a way of life. I believe that the extreme hostility and frequent persecutions directed against these early Christians was largely due to their resistance to the concept of private property held by the ruling class and to their opposition to class distinctions among people. It was only when Christianity became the state religion of the Roman Empire and had a major stake in maintaining property rights that it adopted the male dominated hierarchical form and subsequently ran roughshod over all other cultures and forms of worship. The Celtic Christian Church, too, was very democratic and inclusive in the years immediately following Patrick's conversion of Ireland in the Fifth Century A.D. Patrick adapted the teachings of Jesus to fit the inherent spirituality and mythology of the Celtic peoples, which emphasized a fundamental connectedness with the Earth, the universe and all living things. The early Celtic Church adopted the communal form of life holding everything in common, which was endemic to Celtic society, and allowed both men and women to serve in leadership roles. As a result, the Celts enthusiastically embraced Christianity and, inspired by the Holy Spirit, zealously carried the Gospel message back into Europe following the collapse of the Roman Empire. This Celtic enthusiasm gradually died out after the Celtic Church came under the heel of the Roman Catholic hierarchy in the Seventh Century A.D. My own ethnic roots are predominately Celtic, and this deeply informs my spiritual sensibilities. I believe that to be "Christ-like" is entirely consistent with the historical concept of transgender spirituality. The problem is that Christianity, as practiced by many of the modern institutions established "in His name", is not always "Christ-like". In fairness though, there has always been a tension within Christianity wherein large segments within the Church leadership have aligned themselves with the poor and have labored in their behalf against the excesses of wealth and power. St. Francis of Assisi comes to mind as a prime example of such selfless love. The Roman Catholic Church has made significant strides over the past century to reclaim its roots as an advocate of radical love and has shown an increasing preference for the poor. The lynch pin of this effort was the great council called by Pope John XXIII in 1959, Vatican Council II, which opened wide the doors of the Church to embrace the Holy Spirit. All of the popes since Vatican II, including Pope John Paul II, have labored hard to implement the reforms introduced by this great council.

Is God Male or Female? Both or Neither?

I cannot view God as being strictly a male figure. The word "father" in historical context means the one who begetsthe one who creates. Until the 19th Century, when the ovum was discovered, the prevailing understanding was that a man's sperm contained everything needed for human life. A woman was considered to be little more than a piece of fertile ground into which a man's seed could be planted. We now know that the ovum contains half of the genetic material needed for human formation, and that the environment within a woman's womb strongly influences the development of the embryo. In this sense a woman is more involved in the creative process than a man. From the biblical story of creation in the Book of Genesis, God creates the earth, the sky, the oceans, all plant life, fish, birds and animals before he creates human beings from the union of God's spirit with the clay of the earth (Gn 2:7). God created humankind in the divine imageboth male and female (Gn 1:27). So God as Creator is both father and mother. God is both male and female. God is fully androgynous! The cult of Mary that has been popular especially among the common people throughout Christendom since the earliest centuries following the death of Christ may be a natural "corrective" to the concept of patriarchy. Mary, in many ways, has become akin to a goddess for many Christians.

It is also interesting to note that up to 98 percent of our genetic code is shared by the other life forms on this planet. This fact underscores our fundamental connectedness with the earth and the need to develop a consistent ethic of life, i.e., a respect and reverence for all life in all its stages from conception to the grave and beyond. This earth-connectedness parallels the core concepts held by the so-called primitive spiritual worldviews that include communal traditions like Wicca, Taoism, shamanism, and many Native American cultures. It is the key to understanding Celtic spirituality. It is also a fundamental part of Jesus' teaching and life example. The central message of Jesus' ministry is to love God as the universal creator, to love God as manifested in others, and to love God as enfleshed within ourselves. In a very real sense our soulsour spiritsare extensions of God, and, as such, we are intimately connected to all aspects of God's created universe. Each human person is a unique and gifted creation of God and each contains the Spirit of God. This connectedness with God and with each other is reinforced by the liturgy of the Roman Catholic Church in the Eucharistic celebration of the Mass. Therefore all persons, since they contain the Spirit of God, should be treated with reverence and respect. We are meant to be as we have been created. There is an infinite variety in God's garden; there are no weeds. Each of us has the potential to add value to the community into which we have been born. We have been created by God to cooperate with Her/Him in finishing the work of creation here on Earth. Each of us is a child of God, and each of us will ultimately return to God as coheirs of 'the promise'.

Is there a Spiritual Role for Trannsgendered Persons Today?

I believe that we as transgendered persons can be considered as special gifts of the Holy Spirit to the people of God. Because we are different and don't fit within normally accepted societal gender categoriesbecause we are rejected by the leaders of most organized religions simply to survivewe are forced to look deeper into the meaning of life than the average person does. Our rejection by main stream religions causes many of us to question the basic tenets of these religions to determine what fits and what does not. This, in turn, can result in a higher level of spiritual consciousness for transgendered persons. The average "church going" person rarely challenges the doctrines and dogmas of the faith or culture into which he or she has been born. Because our very survival depends on it, we who are "different" must question all of these things. As survivors of this painful process we are perhaps better able to tap into the true nature of God and the intended relationship of humanity with God and with each other. If accepted by the main body of the church, we can act as leaven to raise the spiritual consciousness of all humanity. Unfortunately, most churchmen and others who enjoy positions of power within society don't embrace criticism or any other form that questions or challenges their authority. Our mere existence as transgendered persons is perceived as a threat to the existing order. We are subject to ridicule, hostility and (sometimes) outright persecution. Most hope that we will simply disappear. Many of us do disappear through suicide or attempts to force fit ourselves into established gender stereotypes. I myself attempted for many years to excise my feminine sideto stuff myself into the male mold dictated by my external genitalia. My soul rebelled by 'acting out' in ways that nearly destroyed me. I have suffered the ravishes of HIV/AIDS (I am now a 19 year survivor of this epidemic), have been arrested and publicly humiliated, have been cast aside by 'friends' and my faith community, and have been driven out of my chosen profession. My soul has finally caught my full attention, and I will no longer choose to abandon it. Indeed, I cannot or I will surely die.

My Spiritual Path:

I choose now to fully honor who I am. This will not be an easy path, but my options are limited. Based upon available testing, reflection on my own history as compared to other transgendered persons, intense psychotherapy, and prayer I believe that I am fairly well out on the transsexual end of the transgender continuum. Many who are like me have chosen to live out their lives as more completely femalesome opting for sex reassignment surgery (SRS) and/or intense hormone replacement therapy (HRT)some not. My own conclusion is that (for me) it is not really possible to ever become fully female. Even with SRS and intense HRT, I would never have the internal parts to be a complete woman. My bone structure and other physical features would make it difficult for me to pass well in public as a woman. I am in a loving and fully committed relationship with my wife of 25 years, and I have a family, a male history and a community life that I would find difficult to abandon. These practical considerations aside, I question the spiritual basis for wanting to shift from one rigid gender box to another. I believe that I was born as a "T" person to be in a middle position between the gender extremes. As in the Zuni culture, I want to be able to move freely between the anima and the animus. I want to be able to fully embrace both the male and the female aspects of my soul. It is not yet clear to me how to go about this in our culture. Good models are difficult to find. I have chosen to make minimal physical adjustmentsto limit the feminization of my body. I have begun laser treatments to remove the hair on my chin and upper lips. I am also taking estrogen at about one half the dosage normal for someone who is fully transitioning. The concept here is to flood the pre-existing receptors in the brain with the estrogen for which they have thirsted since puberty. I have already noticed improvement in my mood and emotional balance. I choose to wear more brightly colored and decorative clothing most of the time, but limit full crossdressing to appropriate occasions. My wife and I have participated on transgendered panels for university classes in both Northwest and South Florida. I openly declare myself as transgendered person in public forums when it makes sense to do so. Will I be able to sustain this level of 'transition' forever? Who knows? For now it seems to be enough.

As a transgendered Celtic Christian soul, I feel that I am called to challenge, as best I can, some of the more oppressive current dogmas and doctrines of the Roman Catholic Church and the Western patriarchal culture into which I have been born. When I was a youngster I felt drawn to the priesthood of the Roman Catholic Church. I put this aside as I struggled with my transgenderism, which I believed to be incompatible with my spiritual sensibilities. Later in life as I faced imminent death from AIDS I returned to this call to serve the people of God. I studied, prayed and reflected and finally accepted ordination to the restored office of permanent deacon. I was most drawn to serve and preach a theology based upon social justice. I have always found myself "standing in the breach" in defense of the poor, the disenfranchised, the differently gendered, persons living with HIV/AIDS, women and minorities. I have always embraced the concept of servant leadership and have struggled against those who would wield power over others. My concern has always been for the common good. I have always been an "environmentalist" and have viewed humanity as having stewardship responsibility for the Earth's resources. When I shared my transgenderism with my bishop, he told me that my ordination could not be valid! After reviewing my own life as a transgendered soul in historical perspective and reflecting on the teachings of Jesus, I have come to believe that my call to the ministry is indeed valid and very consistent with who I am.

I now feel that I am called by the Holy Spirit to openly challenge the teachings and attitudes that serve to enslave both men and women in rigid gender boxesthat prevent most human persons from fully embracing both the male and the female aspects of their soulsthat prevent most from becoming whole in the true "image and likeness of (an androgynous) God". I believe that I am called to challenge a culture that values property and profit above people and the common good and the wantonly exploits the Earth's limited resources. I want to believe that I can leverage my transgenderism to help raise the spiritual consciousness of humanity. I believe that this can be done best through education and one-on-one discussions with people who are willing to open their mindswho are willing to learn. In my view it is important that some of us be willing to "put a face on transgenderism" by openly embracing our reality as transgendered persons. As Jesus said to his disciples: "Do not give what is holy to dogs or toss pearls before swine. They will trample them under foot, at best, and perhaps tear you to shreds." [Matthew 7:6] In my view it is important that some of us be willing to "put a face on transgenderism" by openly embracing our reality as transgendered persons. From the Gospel of Matthew: "The gift you have received, give as a gift." [Matthew 10:7-8] If we are open about who we are, then, based upon the model of Jesus' life, we can expect persecution. Quoting from Matthew's version of the Beatitudes: "Blest are those persecuted for holiness' sake; the reign of God is theirs. Blest are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of slander against you because of me. Be glad and rejoice, for your reward in heaven is great; they persecuted the prophets before you in the very same way." If we accept the teachings of Jesus and the model of his life, we must also be willing to be patient and to avoid direct confrontation with our enemies in spite of this persecution. "But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you" [Matthew 5:44]. After all, our enemies too contain the Spirit of God. We have a right as children of God to exist on this planetbut so do they. They shall know we are Christians by our love! We can afford to be generous because ultimately we know that we bear God's truth. I offer these conclusions, not as a manifesto for all transgendered persons, but merely as my attempt to find meaning and purpose for my own life. I wish peace, all good things and many blessings for all who read this essay.

1 Anne Moir & David Jessel, Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men & Women, Carol Publishing Group, NY, NY, 1989 [ISBN 0-8184-0543-0]

2 John Colapinto, As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl, Harper Collins Publishers, Inc., NY, NY, 2000 [ISBN 0-06-019211-9]

3 Jiang-Ning Zhou et. al., "A Sex Difference in the Human Brain and its Relation to Transsexuality", Nature, Vol. 378, pp. 68-70, (1995)

4 Frank P. M. Kruijver et. al., "Male-to-Female Transsexuals Have Female Neuron Numbers in a Limbic Nucleus", The Jpournal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, Vol. 85, pp. 2034-2041, (2000)

5 Will Roscoe, The Zuni Man-Woman, University of New Mexico Press, Albuquerque, NM (1991) [ISBN 0-8263-1253-5]

6 Leslie Feinberg, Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman, Beacon Press, Boston, MA (1996) [ISBN 0-8070-7940-5]

7 John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, Harper Collins, NY, NY, (1997) [ISBN 0-06-018279-2]

8 Seamus MacManus, "The Centuries of the Saints", The Story of the Irish Race, Chapter XXVI, The Devin-Adair Company, Greenwich, CT, (1966) [ISBN 0-517-06408-1]

9 From a recent television documentary that I viewed but cannot now recall the specific sourceperhaps A&E?

11 Toby Johnson, Gay Spirituality: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness, Alyson Books, Los Angeles, CA, (2000) [ISBN 1-55583-523-6]