Raven

I'm an endocrinologist's nightmare.

I'm probably also the worst nightmare of the average parent of a CAH child. Doctors tend to tell parents that their children will definitely be normal females, especially if they're properly mutilated. They're wrong. I'm living proof. At the age of 30, after years of suffering, I changed gender from female to male.

I have CAH. Non-salt-wasting. I began to seriously masculinize at puberty,; facial and body hair growing, voice cracking, irregular heavy periods, etc. I was put on estrogens, as I am allergic to corticosteroids. I was on and off them for the next 15 years, and they made me depressed and hypertensive. I had one child, prematurely, before my ovaries quit entirely and I started having massive hemorrhaging from lack of progesterone. She doesn't have CAH.

What I ended up doing, for personal and medical reasons, is transitioning to a male somatic physiology - in other words, I got a partial sex change. I am much, much happier. I realize that this is not the answer for all or even most CAH women - disclaimer, disclaimer - but it has to be acknowledged that a small percentage of us will have been so masculinized, mentally, that we aren't really women any more from the neck up, as it were. I know that I'm not an anomaly,

I'm also very, very happy that I was not surgically altered as a child. Oh, gods, am I happy about that! The enlarged clitoris, which may seem like a problem for some (not all) women living with CAH, takes on an entirely different character when you're living as a man.

I was on several antidepressants in my twenties - they didn't work. Hearing Cheryl Chase's explanation of why they don't ten to work on us was pretty liberating! But within *12 hours* of my first shot of testosterone, I wasn't depressed any longer. It was that fast. It was as if my body breathed a sigh of relief. Now I only get depressed when I forget to take that shot. I'm on half the dosage of an ordinary female-to-male transsexual, and that seems to be enough.

I'm happily married now, under my new male gender, and my wife is wonderful and one hundred per cent supportive. My daughter is fine with the whole thing because I took several years to prepare her - and yes, she still calls me Mom, that's part of the agreement. I'm bisexual. Normal? I don't know, but I am certainly happy. In fact, I'm one of the least angry intersexuals I know, which is a sad statement. This may have a lot to do with no surgery, or supportive lovers, or general success in life, I don't know.

Again, I am in no way pushing this as an alternative to female-identified CAH folks; this is just a plea to remember that some of us do transition to male, and it's OK. We do all right...as long as we haven't had those important bits cut off. And BTW, this was something I knew I wantd from an early age; my parents brought me up in female boot camp - "You WILL be a girl!" - and it did nothing except make me angry at them. The only upbringing that works is one that is supportive to the child's choices, and doesn't attempt to force a gender on the kid until they're ready. I'm serious here.

If you're a parent of a CAH child, and the thought of her changing gender in adulthood makes your stomach hurt, please get some therapy, for yourself and for her. You have to be able to do what's best for her, not what's most comfortable for you. Even if s/he's a baby, it's not that s/he doesn't have opinions on the s bject; it's just the s/he doesn't have the wherewithal to express them. I knew by the time of puberty what I because I personally know other CAH folks who made the same decision. wanted. It's the same sort of challenge as if God had given you a child with a handicap...you love the kid, do the best you can, and never let them feel ashamed

I can't say what percentage of us change - I suspect the numbers are rising as more of us find out that it's an option. I know of quite a few. I have chosen not to have any genital surgery , as I like my orgasmic capacity the way it is, and phalloplasties are even worse, techinically, than vaginoplasties, although I did have a bilateral mastectomy. But to tell the truth, having supportive lovers makes all the difference. And you all can have supportive lovers; there are people out there who will love you the way you are! I'm living proof, before and after my transition. The idea that you have to be normal in order to have lovers is false, some people are jerks and will always be, so forget them. The right person will love you not in spite of, but for who you are.

If anyone would like to speak to me privately for any reason, my email is cauldron@dellmail.com. I'm out and public; I'm the Intersex Liaison for the American Boyz (an FTM org) and I'm here to help in any way I can, even if only to listen to fears and rants. I'm also a clergyperson with Hearthgrove Church and as such it's my job to listen.

Blessings to you all,

Raven Kaldera

To contact raven or ask questions cauldron@dellmail.com

Organisation Intersex International