Can a marriage survive transition?
by Julie Krause
My name is Julie and I am the spouse (partner) of a Male to Female. Jennifer and I married 10 years ago when we were both in our 40’s. It was my first marriage and Jennifer's second. Our relationship was always one based first on friendship and companionship. We have always felt a strong connection and have always considered each other our best buddy.
The day the earth moved - Do you remember the day you learned that your spouse was transgender. If I really look back at the whole picture I think I always knew Jennifer was different I just didn’t have a name for it. After 10 years of marriage and full knowledge of Jennifer’s cross-dressing we finally confronted the stranger in our closet.
It was August of 2004 and we decided to spend the weekend away for Jennifer’s birthday. It was to be the first time she would travel completely as Jennifer with no male clothing for backup. We went to a town about 250 miles from our home and had a great weekend shopping, visiting and spending time together. On our trip home Jennifer turned to me and said “I wish we could live somewhere about 3 months out of the year that I could be Jennifer full-time”.
It felt like a train hit me, yet at the same time I had a huge revelation. I turned to Jennifer and said “That will never be enough”. I knew in the instant that our relationship had changed forever. Neither of us could deny what was happening nor could we stop what needed to change.
My initial reaction was that I needed to support her but had to do that from afar. That in order for her to move forward and truly live as a woman she would need to leave our little community and move somewhere that she could begin again totally anonymous. It rather felt like a death to me. In order for Jennifer to truly be happy and live as she should I needed to let her go.
We talked non-stop for weeks, we fought, we cried, we sat for long periods of time in silence. The pit in my stomach grew and grew. I was losing my best friend, my lover, and my soul mate. We decided to seek counseling to get us both through what needed to be done. I will never forget the words from our counselor. She had worked with us early on in our marriage and was aware of Jennifer’s cross-dressing. When we told her why we were there she said “What took you so long”.
Our counselor was a wise woman who knew of a male to female counselor in a town not far from us who worked with “transgender” people. She made the referral and we began what was to be the first of many long hours with this woman.
I really don’t know what I expected when I first met Anne. I know I was curious and frightened. I felt that I was entering the enemy camp. After all weren’t we seeking the advice of someone who had “already crossed over”. And weren’t they always going to side with “their kind”. Well I was proven wrong on all fronts.
Anne is a gentle, strong, kind, intelligent woman at peace with herself. Comfortable in her body and accepting of all mankind. After meeting her I began to believe that anything was possible. Jennifer and I worked through many aspects of us, our relationship with each other, and our relationships with others, our fears, and our disappointments. Anne showed us all things were possible.
Soon into our counseling we both began to realize that we didn’t want to separate, that we could take this journey together. I realized that the things I had always loved most about Jennifer were truly her feminine qualities.
Trust me when I tell you that the process is tough. It requires a deep look into yourself and requires you to take stock of whom you are. Our biggest hurdle was the ever present “What will people think”. For about 6 months we lived this never ending cycle of what about this person, what about that person. We delayed going public due to business relationships that we felt would suffer once the news was out. Finally in February of 2005 we came out. Our first step was to tell our family. We told my brother in person and received a lot of words of support. He told us he only wanted us to be happy and to go for it. Next we sent a letter to Jennifer’s sister who wrote back a week later saying she had always believed that Jennifer was possessed by the devil and this confirmed it. We have not heard from Jen’s sister since. Next we told some close friends, they were not surprised. Had always felt Jennifer was different but thought possibly she was gay. Our next big step was to tell co-workers. We did this through a letter and much to my surprise the people I thought would be the most red-necked truly acted much different. In general what we heard was live real, life is too short.
For the most part Jennifer’s transition has been met in a positive manner, our friends have stayed by us and treat us much the same as they always did.
Our next step was to begin the “surgeries”. In June 2005 Jennifer and I traveled to another state for the Breast implants and trachea shave. What was to be an uneventful surgery went south and Jennifer coded on the table. They worked on her for over 15 minutes to re-establish a normal heartbeat and she then spent 4 days in intensive care while every test under the sun was run. After all the tests they found that she was a perfectly healthy female. No heart problems, no health issues, she was just 1 in 250,000 that had a bad reaction to anesthesia. So in August 2005 we returned under excellent medical care and Jennifer completed the breast implants and trachea shave. All will no complications and she is doing fabulous.
We are always trying to find the good in things that happen to us and I believe one of the reasons for the adversity was it gave me the opportunity to meet some incredible woman in the transgender community. It gave me a clearer understanding of Jennifer’s desire and need to proceed with her transition and it also was an awakening for me that there are many intelligent, vibrant, courageous people out there who have completed SRS. I will always be indebted to these fabulous women for their support, understanding and knowledge.
Jennifer is set for her final surgery in November and we are both looking forward to it and a bit afraid of what is to come. I know that loving caring people who will support both of us during this time will surround us. A time of rebirth and a beginning for Jennifer of a life as she was born to live.
So in short yes your marriage can survive Sex Reassignment. If you are willing to throw out all the pre-conceived labels that society puts on your relationship. If you will open you heart and soul to the person you love and allow them to live real you will be rewarded in many ways you never knew possible. You will also realize that they are the same person you always loved you have just allowed them to be wholly who they are.
Life throws opportunities and challenges at us daily – you decide what to do with these. Love to your fullest and it will come back tenfold.
