Nookiadrome.
By Sophia Siedlberg
Are you sitting comfortably? I have a very funny story to tell about an advertising agency, an "ad-man" (ad-nonce), two sexologists, and a "brainstorming session" to produce a commercial that can only come from the mind of a deranged Apple-Dell user, trying to sell mobile phones made by a firm called Nookia. Please cover your ears if you are of a nervous disposition.
There is a nice advertising agency called "Wideboy & Kenneldog, JWTT" and often they are called the "Jerks, Wankers and Transphobic Tossers" agency. (As no one knows what JWTT actually stands for.) They are the darling of the "liberal" press, such as a newspaper called the Grundian and they had a star in their midst, called Cantor Appledell. And the story begins with a Wideboy & Kenneldog, JWTT team planning a series of commercials to sell a mobile phone called the "Nookia e28" which even comes with a virtual kitchen sink for those who say that people are cramming too much into mobile phones these days.
You can picture the scene, a bunch of vaginas and penises sitting round a table, planning the next big campaign. It had to be edgy. It had to be sexy and it had to sell, junk! They were given a commission to sell a Nookia mobile phone. It was a brief many people seem to dread because the competition in that market was (and still is) incredibly fierce.
It was a strangely bright day as they all sat around the table having to contemplate perhaps the most difficult thing for sheep, who are in effect little more than reproductive organs, to contemplate. They actually had to have original thoughts. As the sun beamed across the room, highlighted by the dust and vapor of pheromones caught up in the sunlight, they sat there bleating and sputting away about how they were going to sell this electronic Swiss army knife that came complete with an Mp3 player, 5 gigapixel camera, surround sound recording studio, laser powered mousetrap, vibrator, broadcast quality video editing suite for high quality happy slapping and a bank of ringtones that consisted of the sounds of people having simulated sex.
This, the Nookia e28, was the ultimate in mobile handsets, being a hand held mainframe computer, telephone exchange and multimedia adult entertainment center. It was indeed the pinnacle of technology designed by top artists in New York. But there was a problem. The manufacturers, Nookia, wanted to "play the fault up" as a positive, and that problem was the "Drome Virus", which some very angry hacker had written after coming across Cantor Appledell's "ideas" on JWTT and Nookia's research servers. This virus was written using a C++ compiler using the "Carbide Rifle IDE". This meant it had full access to the phones deepest workings because it infected the phone's operating system Symbiote rather than some managed "box" like Java.
"Drome" was deadly. It caused the phone to make carefully calculated audio signals designed to make the user physically ill, hallucinate and go insane. Wideboy & Kenneldog, JWTT really had to sell this nightmare scenario as a positive feature.
Ms Amelia Shoulderpads started things off by making her suggestion. Her idea was to have the commercial featuring Al Yankovic's "Virus alert" on a playlist demonstrating the fact that this thing can act as an Mp3 player. And at the same time selling the gizmo as a fantastic medium for viral advertising. "It is so hip'n'trendy," she thought, and well you know, she could really claim to make an advertising first by selling security holes as a marketing opportunity for spammers and porn peddlers.
"Ummmm!" came a voice across the room. "Microshaft have beaten you to it!" said the vaguely observant Cantor Appledlell, with his snot queen face and arrogant sneer.
Cantor Appledell was perhaps most famous for his campaign for the Greely and Prosser "Bouncer in a dress" campaign for "Bouncer" paper towels. Appledell was also involved with the damage limitation exercise when Greely and Prosser's CEO, Anton Damien Levay, Junior was accused of being a baby eating Satanist. Mr. Appledell made his reputation there by saying that only intersex babies were used in the filming of the fuzzy videos that were "purported to be proof" that Levay, Junior had actually eaten babies. Appledell did a campaign that involved the footage under forensic scrutiny that showed that the genitals of the baby being eaten were ambiguous. The slogan was:
"Levay eats just right. It’s not human; it's hermaphrodite!"
Appledell's latest "masterpiece" was the proposed commercial for the Nookia e28, which basically consisted of a certain Northwestern University sexologist dressed in stockings and red high heels with Garry Glitter and another sexologist from the CAMH, dressed as "the child catcher" from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, thrashing an eight year old child to within an inch of their life because they were wearing their sister's make up.
Alongside this scene there would be the titles of songs that matched with what the gruesome threesome were saying, while tormenting the kid. Ms Shoulde pads clearly felt nervous about this idea because it would inevitably receive a lot of complaints. But Cantor Appledell insisted that such approaches to "gender variant" children were "given a full scientific consensus". In fact Mr. Appledell was at pains to show Ms Shoulderpads a lot of documentation with titles like:
"Consensus Statement! The benefits of hammering a child into compliance"
and
"Consensus Statement! The benefits of ensuring a gender variant child is suicidal by the age of sixteen"
Many of the others in this brainstorming session were by now throwing up, and one parent herself said, "Appledell, I would not let my child go anywhere near these sexology lunatics, and we are talking of selling a mobile phone, not justifying pedophilia. You should be locked up!" Then Max Whitesuit chipped in. "Appledell, perhaps saying this is a mobile phone, and you can play Mp3's on it and it is cool to own is enough, right? Or am I being too sarcastic? It is like you are dressing up borderline products the P.C. brigade hate such as drinks and tobacco. But even that pretentious claptrap never sunk to such revolting levels of depravity."
Appledell was way too up his own arse to notice what was being said. Appledell then smirked: "We could have the TV stations run our ads just after those NSPCC adverts, the one where they say all children should be protected. And when our adverts start we will have an arrow pointing to the freaky kid saying, “Except this one". Appledell was on a roll, as he said. "Except this one". He used air inverted commas and then punched the air: "Yeah, Genuis. That's me. Hey, wow!"
"The table is levitating Appledell right where you are. You are getting a bit Viagra," said Ms Shoulderpads in hushed tones. "Perhaps you can put that mirror down. It may look like a case of autoandrophilia!". Then Whitesuit chipped in. "Nookia E28? The phone? The one that is infected with a virus that produces a low frequency tone that makes anyone using it or the MP3 player feel sick? How do we sell it?"
"Virus alert." Shoulderpads said while picking the phone up. "Does it really do that?" she asked Whitesuit. "Indeed it does," he replied and was about to go into a lengthy explanation about how the "Drome" virus works when Appledell shouted. "Right, we have it. Remove the violence and the kid. Just have the Northwestern sexologist with his stockings and red high heels. That way we won't get any complaints."
"Oh, and what about the trannies?" whispered the quiet and insidious voice of Ernst Roman, the Nookia representative. Appledell, who was irritated by this replied: "Oh what about them? If it were left to me, I would have them being shot while a huge crowd cheers as each one dies!"
Roman sat there, thinking: "Well, we are already in legal hot water for distributing the phones with the Drome virus. Like we did say that it appeared in the phones outside the factory. I really don't want to get done under the hate speech laws in some countries as well." He said, "I mean, yes, Appledell, I hate trannies as much as you do, but what you are proposing is illegal in some countries."
Whitesuit butted in: "Yes, the Drome virus first appeared three months ago when Appledell, the so called genius peddled his usual crap on an emailing list and mocked the hacker. When the hacker found out what he was really planning, the virus seemed to appear."
Appledell was fuming: "Oh well, I didn't know that the freak was a hacker! It was just a freak born a freak (intersex) and I had to shut it up!" As if Whitesuit was not listening, he spoke over Appledell: "And when that container load of e28 phones started making strange noises, a whole container of them mind you, half of the port workers went bonkers, and now the genius sits here trying to annoy even more people. Dumb or what!"
"La, la, I am not listening. Look at my snotty nose – spluurch, sniff!" Appledell shouted as Whitesuit continued. "Oh yes, this erudite source of eternal wisdom wants to show kids being beaten up in an advert!"
"Well, they are not children. They are defective freaks and should be carved up and gassed!" Appledell grunted. Silence fell over the room as the sound of chanting could be heard in the nearby office block. "Bratz Dolls, Brats Dolls and My Little Pony! Bratz Dolls, Brats Dolls and My Little Pony!". Through the window it was possible to see another "brainstorm" taking place. Wideboy & Kenneldog, JWTT had around 20 "brainstorm boxes" where they would dream up classic advertising campaigns. They were working on a much easier brief. Appledell slammed the window shut. "Girls toys, girls toys! They will infect the minds of boys and make them all girly. I know the CAMH guy told me so. This is a moral outrage. Look, give me a chance. I can make this work."
Ms Shoulderpads sat there. "I am a feminist you know," she said while glaring at the seething and shaking Appledell, who looked at her like she was dirt. "I know bitch!" he said and sat down.
Ms Shoulderpads' voice cut through the hypnotic chanting. "Appledell, I think you may be going too far this time. Perhaps you can tone it down a bit." A red faced Appledell sat there glaring at her. "You are telling me that we cannot use all my hard work?" as he clicked on a remote control and a screen on the wall flickered to life.
"See what you think," he said as the scene opened on a pair of legs in ribbed stockings and red high heels. "Around, around, the carbide kills. Ho ho ho, those dead trannies, let’s eat those gillbill babies". As the words "Macho Man", "Identity Crisis", "What to do" and "Go See the Doctor" scrolled down the side.
Garry Glitter and the two sexologists came into view. The legs belonged to one of them, and they were all beating up on a child. "This boy will be thrashed, hahaha, hooo!" the music screamed, as one of the sexologists got an axe. "Hey, Buffalo Bill, what did you kill?" screamed as the music echoed an old Beatles song. Then the song wailed. "The child is the killer. The child is the killer. Kill the child, hahaha!" While song titles continued: "The dude looks like a lady".
Suddenly a tank appears and aims point blank at the kid. "BOOM." The screen goes white and the image of a Nookia e28 fades in. The words "The kid would grow up to be a psychotic trannie. We don't want that. We want you to buy this instead. We know it is utterly unrelated to the product, but well who gives a shit? Hate sells!" appear and then fade followed by "Nokia e28, exclusive at the Dodgy Car Warehouse". And the soundtrack had faded into this strange buzzing noise. Appledell went to switch the screen off, but it would not switch off.
"Shit, it's in the soundtrack." he said while frantically jabbing at the remote. Then the hallucinations started as Appledell saw the screen morph into a gigantic pair of lips saying in a deep husky seductive voice, "Bratz dolls, Bratz dolls ,My Little Pony. Oh that turns me off snotboy!" Appledell turned to see the rest of the board sitting there with headphones on. "White noise for white suits Cantor, we knew about it?" Appledell looked at them in terror as the lips turned into a huge vagina full of teeth. "I want to eat you snotboy," the seductive voice continued. Appledell ran around the room with remote in hand jabbing away. "Go away, arrgh, go away! I am a Der Eigene boy. Leave me alone!" But the apparition didn't. "Meet my little sister" it said as a little pair of lips had morphed out of the now demonic looking e28 on the table. And were tapping Appledell on the shoulder on the end of a large tentacle. "Ahh, no!" he screamed as the little pair of lips turned into a Venus flytrap and started biting at his crotch. "Oh, now be a good little girl and stop protesting," the seductive voice purred. "Do you mean that or me?" Appledell screamed in terror as he noticed the Venus flytrap turn into Annie the Laurence clown, complete with chainsaw hands. This was another of Appledell's vile imaginings used to sell Barbie Dolls of all things. "She is just going to make a few cuts here and there. Now I know you are really getting turned on by this," purred the screen as the clownlike monster cut into Appledell. "I am a closet autogynephile. I admit it. I am a closet autogynephile and I hate myself. I was treated at the CAMH!" Appledell screamed. Then silence.
The room was very quiet as Ms Shoulderpads took her headphones off. And the screen went silent. "I think we can use the song titles and the legs. Best to keep the rest of it out, including the bit where the e28 went off during filming." Whitesuit and Roman agreed with her. "Well, yes it is clear that Nookia will have to deal with the virus. There is little we can do to make it positive," Whitesuit said quietly as the beam of sunlight gently shone on Appledell who was in the corner of the room cowering. "Perhaps we can sell it as a means of disposing of arrogant little jerks and perhaps Grundian Journalists," said Roman. Meanwhile the paramedics came in to take Appledell away. "I am left handed and short," Appledell said in a terrified voice. And then he ran towards the window, opened it, started flapping his arms and said: "I will join my little pony and the brats. I have always liked My Little Pony." And he flew out of the window literally, as a rainbow appeared around him and he grew a tail and a cute main of horsey hair.
They all looked at each other and looked at the screen. It was all blank. They looked to see one of the paramedics on the phone. "It's the missus. She wants me to pick the kids up when I have found out where Appledell has got to." They looked at him, nervous, worried, very worried. "What, erm ,phone are you using?" Shoulderpads asked. "A Motormouth XD97". Then Roman took his out: "a Sonny Eric's Method D56". He said "I know it is a competitor’s phone but it has a nice ringtone. Listen." They all put their phones on the table. Not one of them was a Nookia e28.
"So, erm!" Roman said and then silence, terrified silence, in the corner of the room was the company cat, using a Nookia e28. Cats are immune to it.
The ad-people are all utterly barking.
