As published in several U.S. and International magazines and e-zines in November and December 1998 and January 1999

"The Ramblings of Petra Henderson: November 1998"

I have been asked this only twice during the last three months, and before that a few times many years ago, but despite careful  consideration had never found an adequate way to describe how it feels until recently. Even trying hard to find a way to describe it to my wife did not bring me nearer an adequate solution!

This is mostly because I do not know what it feels like not to be a Transsexual, nor what it feels like to be so-called "Normal!" If you as a reader are not transsexual and someone asked you "what is it like to be you?" You"d probably have exactly the same problem.

One needs a way to compare. Or an analogy into which the possible needed description suitably fits. Still with a little luck and the help of my twisted imagination, I managed to find an analogy which may go some way to partially describe it.

This came to me when I was Joking to someone that I am not a GG or GG (Genetic Girl or Genetic German) and no matter how much I would try I will never be!

So to my Analogy.

Flanders in Belgium during the Winter of 1917/18

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being a transsexual is in many ways like being thrown into No-mans land between the trenches of the Germans and English in the first world war. If you can imagine being dumped there, between the fronts, in the mud and wet, with shells landing and exploding all around and bullets whizzing past each ear. And being totally naked! Now to make matters worse, you only speak English, but have "Long live the Kaiser" and "For my Fatherland" etc. tattooed in German onto not only your

arms but also on your hands, forehead and upper torso.

Now the dilemma, Stay where you are and possibly be killed by shell or gunfire, or if you avoid that to eventually starve to death, or go to the German trenches and pretend to be dumbstruck, (deceit) or go to the English and try to convince them you are not a spy, but really a real English person who "accidentally" got the tattoos on a drunken night out in Hamburg harbour area while your English ship was visiting them before the war. (learning to lie)

Every minute of indecision is yet another minute of risk, but to make the difficult decision is also not only risky, but could also lead to you being shot by the respective sides firing squads as a Spy.  Especially as you don't really belong to either one and have no friends to back you up in either side. It is also very cold and wet standing there naked. So you look around for the possibility of finding a uniform that you could pull on and must also decide which it will be.

You initially choose to put on the English uniform and even find gloves and a Balaclava to cover your "German" tattoos, and despite feeling this is correct one to suit your Voice (what everyone tells you, you are) and the "Nationality" (sex) on your Birth certificate you know that to survive you will still need to learn how to act and be like one of the other soldiers. However unlike them you must never take that uniform off or even the gloves and balaclava. You also know that it cannot last forever and the more you hide your body, the more convinced they will become that you are a spy when you are eventually

discovered with those Tattoos that will "prove you are German."

Spring is coming and the need for the woollen gloves, etc. is slowly departing, by summer you may even have to work in short sleeves and or be expected to work naked from the waste up. The others are already suspicious that you are never seen wash or bath in front of them, and never take your gloves or face cover off in their presence. It is only a matter of time.

One night you up and over the top, and crawl towards the German lines halfway you pull on an ill fitting German uniform that you find, and with the little basic German you learnt from other tommies, you shout to the guards not to shoot, and that you are German, and so slip into their trenches dirty and wet. They feed you and give you wine, and you can fend off their questions by always taking a bite of Sausage or drink at the appropriate times to avoid answering. But you know once

you open your mouth you will be "clocked" as not being what you are dressed like. You now openly and proudly show your "Decorative and colourful" Tattoos ("Dressing" and "makeup") to help establish your  right to be among them, and may even believe that you can get away with it if you can learn German quickly enough.

Your Patriotism as displayed by having tattoos also on your hands and forehead (over-feminine dress and bright nail polish and eye-shadow, etc.) are such an overkill for even the most ardent German, but you feel you need them to distract from the fact you are not German.

You can never ever really speak about your childhood, or growing up for the games you played, schools you attended and villages you lived in as these were definitely not German and you don't have enough knowledge to risk bluffing or making up a fitting German History.

Even talking in your sleep is potentially deadly. The others may accept that you don't talk much, but as they also feel you don't always understand what you are being talked to about, ("first period", "childbirth", etc.) think you are a funny sort, who doesn't like to talk much and so never feels right to freely join in any of their conversations.

Only by Hiding your obvious German Tattoos (your "femininity") can you blend in with the Tommies (men). But will never be really comfortable always dressing inappropriately for the conditions (Gloves and Balaclava all day and night and that all year long) and your own actual comfort. The wool itches, is often wet and cold, and is getting ragged and dirty. You really don't like what you see in the mirror.

You know that underneath there is a "German" face waiting for fresh air, and your skin is getting itchy! By switching sides you can dress as you want and as the weather dictates, but are still at risk of discovery if you let slip that your Birth certificate says "English" (i.e. Male). Besides your looks and speech are obviously not German (Female) and so you must also take extreme care never to let your guard slip.

In fact you are in constant danger from whichever of the sides you choose to be in, and don't really fit in into either one.

In order not to be discovered you can never really risk making good friends in either camp, or trust your secret to anyone for fear they deliberately or accidentally let it slip out, then they too could be at risk.

Going back to No-mans land and being able to live without uniform and speaking as you wish (i.e. Being a blatant cross-dresser without deliberately trying to look female) is also not an acceptable option as it is not only too cold and lonely, but both sides are taking pot shots at you since you apparently do not belong to "their" side.

Even after armistice you are dammed to be hated by both sides, for regardless of any explanation you try to give, you were a "Spy" and so the dirtiest of all, even the Traitors (Homosexuals)* and Deserters (Bisexuals)* while not actually given a pardon for their acts during the war, will meet with some understanding.

You on the other hand lived in both camps and somehow cheated both while gaining some secret knowledge to which each side did not feel you were entitled.

* = no disrespect to Gay or Bi- people intended, just it fits the analogy, since today it is easier to be accepted as Gay, than for being a Transsexual, in the same way first world war deserters are now understood and forgiven more than enemy spies.

All in all it is a pretty dangerous and lonely existence whatever choice the Transsexual makes. And many have to switch form one to the other (backwards and forwards), running the gauntlet of MG fire, as they cannot cope with the ongoing stress in either role and are unsure where they best fit in.

These are the ones who are most likely to kill themselves.

Well so much for the war story. Once you understand where you best fit in, it takes real effort and concentration to adapt and play the part.

In both scenarios but especially the first one (trying to be what you are told you should be) there is a need to learn, to Lie, to cheat, and to use people and opportunities as and when they come. You learn to be clever and adaptable, and mislead everyone as to your true self!

In fact to easily become a potentially nasty person. The danger is that in order to "fit" the bipolar mould that society expects and prefers, a Transsexual must become a cunning and cold-blooded actor or actress, who spends more time hiding his or her true self, than actual living.

For me this manifest itself in several forms, but by far the worst is the Stranger in the mirror. Every time I looked in the mirror a strange man looked back at me, and I hated him for being a Stalker, a cheater, liar, etc. and for always looking at me in the bathroom, or at any other place where my reflection caught my eye.

My wife hates seeing me in a dress, and it is a continuous and painful thorn in her eye to see me dressed as a woman day after day. But I have had the same pain seeing myself dressed as a man for over forty-three years! Only I did not have the luxury to leave him alone and go to another room or leave the house to get away from this sight that I hated so much. She can turn away or look at something else, and only has to see "it" when she absolutely must.

If my wife were made to have a male body for a day or a week it would be at worst an unusual experience or eye-opener, but if I told her she was to be made to have that body now and for the rest of her life, I think she would understand what it is that drives me on, even into the danger of self destruction and denial.

There are magazines called "Forced Womanhood" and also Internet stories along the same lines, where an "apparently normal" man is captured by one or two women and "feminised." These go along the lines that the man is made to be dressed in Female clothes, forced to do female work or be a maid, given a Female name or term, and eventually

fed Female hormones to grow breast and become sterile. His tool is usually pierced and an metal ring or harness fitted through it so he can no longer have sex or masturbate. To this ring ropes or leads are fitted and he is made to follow like a dog, or tied up by his tool and or other restraints to wrist and ankles to be whipped, abused and otherwise used as his female captors see fit.

Many T*s and cross dressers find this prospect very erotic and exciting, and theoretically would love it to happen to them, but in reality they only want to be "forced to be a Woman" so they can off-load the burden of Guilt that they have been taught over years that they "must have" for "Being Perverse!"

In reality the Transsexual Woman (Male to Female) is forced from earliest childhood to be a boy, mainly by her parents, by other relatives, school staff, other children, etc. when she starts to mature, she is made to become a young man and find male occupations and activities.

Often she must or feels she must Join an Armed Forces such as Navy, Air force or Army to "Make a Man of Him (Her)!" and confirm she is one of the men. The same goes for any Chosen Career and Higher education, and in the selection of Hobbies and sports, etc. This over done selection of "Manly" activities is used to hide the real "female" person (those giveaway "tattoos") from the world and leads inevitably to also selecting a wife and having children.

As the first few years of marriage are usually based on struggles to make a home, gain a better income, etc., the Transsexuality is perhaps pushed into the back of the mind, never gone, but no longer in the main field of vision. Ah-ha she thinks there is a cure (marriage and kids) and it is working, I will become normal after all!

But as years progress and the commitments and things that keep her busy let of, the problem returns stronger than ever. She is now captive to Society and even as she recognizes her real needs is no longer to "come-out" for fear of causing grief and pain not only to her Parents (as had been the case when she was young), but also to Friends, Colleagues and to her wife and children who she usually loves deeply.

As she gets older she also gets more accumulated friends, and so the situation only gets more difficult.

Most transsexual women would agree it would be easier to be gay, then if they were gay they would not have to tell family, friends or working colleagues. Being a Transsexual woman however means to get permission for that all important correction of a small "birth defect!? you must live openly as a woman 24/7, i.e. 24 hours, seven days a week and that for at least a year, maybe two. A gay does not have to dress differently, or explain his life to his boss or colleagues, or to people on a bus, train, or in the street. Indeed if a Transsexual woman were gay she loses all her gay friends, then they only want men who dress as man and look like, and think like men. Then a Transsexual woman is for them to close to a real woman. Besides most Transsexual women have married and at point of outing are still married.

Unlike most married Homosexuals who marry only to hide their orientation and often just pretend to be interested in their wife and kids, while actively being sexually involved with other men, the majority of transsexuals are usually "Heterosexual" in their "Male role" or perhaps it is better to say "Lesbian" and have a deep and real love of their selected female partners.

These emotional bonds make her decision so very much more difficult and harder to accept in herself and therefore to enact! Many will rather die (either slowly day for day, or by suicide) than upset their partners security and that all important public image.

I conclude that there is a "Forced Manhood" similar to the Magazine and Internet stories mentioned above, in which I am forced to be a Man to do Male things and live as a man and even expected to "kill" my female persona so that the others around me are not offended in their comfortable bipolar (real men and real women) vision of the world.

All my life those around me wanted me to be a good little boy, don't cry, don't play with dolls, don't collect flowers, etc. don't hold hands, cuddle or kiss each other! Instead I am expected to play war and try to get me preconditioned to like the Idea of "killing the enemy" in preparation to be a Soldier, or get encouraged to punch other boys in the face, "learn to box boy!" (and not to "kick like a girl!"), or expected to enact other forms of "authorized" violence!

Why???

Something I got a lot of, having decided at three years old, that I knew I was female, and insisting such all through my childhood years.

After reaching puberty, I was expected to become a man and be prepared to do all these obnoxious (for my female internal self) things or be dammed by everyone around me! I wanted to do domestic science in High school (Cooking and dressmaking) but was not allowed to. Instead Wood work and Metalwork was the order of the day.

Today I need no Woodwork or metalwork skills for my job, (regardless if I am dressed either as man or woman) but could desperately do with the ability to cook properly when at home, for I am uniquely able toburn a cup of tea and hard boil fish. When I make beans on toast, they slip of the bread and accumulate at the bottom of the electric toaster, clogging it up and making a nasty mess on the kitchen work top. Hell, I can't even cook Sushi!

I have seen many web sites with a "Proud to be Transgendered" Logo, or text line on them. I do not agree that we can be proud to be something over which we have no choice or control. It is not something to be proud about, but also it is nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.  It is a fluke of Nature, or in some cases a conspiracy of events or upbringing, and must be accepted as just that, no more, no less!

In fact as a fluke of nature it is also "natural," as that is how nature works, trying out Flukes to create new species and resistance's to dangers that could affect the non-diversified strain from where we are subtly different. Let nature take its course (that's what my wife always tells me)! Comments that I am brave for "coming out" or making my choice to "live as a Woman," etc. are equally flawed and inappropriate.

Bravery is choosing to place oneself in danger to save someone else.

Here there is very little danger in the real sense and I am only saving myself, while doing so I am possibly endangering the emotional safety and sanity of my wife and son. I would rather see a logo that said "trying hard to be a nice person" for that in my opinion is what it is all about.

And as for my "living as a woman" isn't that what nearly 50% of society do every day and that since birth. I have the advantage that when I live as a woman, I know how the other half (men) think and behave, I also won't get PMT or periods, and do not have to go through childbirth! So my being a woman is really not so hard or brave.

The only down side is that as a woman (even in Germany with their sex-equality laws) I will get maybe 40% less salary for doing the same job. Assuming that I could get one as a TS woman! While the law states that men and women get the same salary for doing the exact same work, the loophole is that as a man I will be called a Manager, while as a Woman called a secretary or assistant. The man will delegate his work onto the secretary if he is a "good" manager! In fact from my

observation a Secretary does much more work than the Manager for whom she works. Added to that, they usually also have to cook and look after their men when they get home, choosing to be female is not brave but immensely stupid. But who said Transsexuals have flawless logic?

We who are blessed (Trans-gifted) with the ability to start changing our gender or who plan to change it later have the unique chance of a fresh start, we can give up the lying, bra and panty stealing mentality that we used to help us survive in our unhappy forced manhood days and become a beautiful and pleasant person for others to feel comfortable with, to laugh, joke and smile without the fear of rejection by true friends.

So how do we know who is our true friends?, tell them about your real self and the true ones will stay in touch or come back after a short break to think things over. Those who don't come back did not like "You" but perhaps liked the image that you portrayed or your position for future advantages, and so their loss is your gain, at the worst you will save money on Christmas cards and Postage next year.

And as a "real" you, you will make new friends who you do not feel you are cheating to get their friendship, and can do so while enjoying life!

Finally when asking "what is it like to be a transsexual?" consider the following. You know you will possibly loose everything, your wife, kids, house, job, friends, and risk your health during surgery, and hormone treatment, etc.

Having made the mistake of Lying to your now divorced wife about the real you to get her to marry you, you must be truthful to any new partners you plan to have a relationship with.

But now you know you don't want to have a new partner who knows you are a Post-op TS, for that makes you unsure as to their true motives.

Do they maybe want you because they really don't believe you are a woman? A kind of Paranoia sets in, you worry that anyone who finds you attractive is a closet gay!

In fact you to ensure there is no ulterior motive, you only want to find someone who does not know about your former you (i.e. thinks you are a Genetic woman) to somehow confirm your new worth! If you start such a "deceitful relationship" however, you will risk loosing the new partner when you tell him/her that you are not what you seem, or are discovered by some other way (such as the discovery of an old school report with your male name, etc.) so even after changing sides, the

Transsexual is almost automatically be condemned to a lonely single life or a series of short term affairs, never getting too deeply involved for fear of hurt or renewed discovery.

I would recommend every TS to avoid this second life of fear by being open and honest about her past and like with the selection of true friends, true lovers and partners will accept what you are and were providing you tell them before you enter a commitment with them.

End as was copyrighted? 1998/1999   P. Henderson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update part... from 2002.

Update to above.

When I wrote this story I was unsure what life held in store for me. I assumed several things.

1). I would not be allowed to change my name or sex legally, But was able to do both by special dispensation of the Lord Chancellor and became 100% legally female (the first UK citizen to be granted such right) on the 12th of July 1999.

2). I would have to divorce, either to get legal recognition or a sex-change. This never happened, though we live separate my wife and I love each other deeply and do not (yet?) want to divorce!

3). I would loose my Job. In fact I became better at my job and my boss was surprised by the number of customers insisting on me due to my honesty and balanced nature.

4). That I would lose all friends. I lost a few, but in retrospect they were no loss, and indeed I made many more new ones who over the last three years have proven to be better than most I ever had.

5). That at the time of writing I was quite bald and so would have to wear a wig for the rest of my life. My hair returned and soon I was able to present without the "dead-cat" strapped to my head.

6). That at time of writing I was a Lesbian with a 100% guarantee not to ever want to have anything to do with men. Well I still have not overcome my fear of men, or advanced enough to seek/find a boyfriend, but with constant encouragement from my wife, and friends, and the need for some form of normality I see that hiding behind a shield of being a lesbian (which I have come to see I was not, I was instead more sexless) only creates barriers and problems that then also need

"fixing".

So after all the years of fear, denial, self-hatred and self-abuse, self-injury, being difficult or aggressive, the switch was easier than I thought, so much so that naturally the question arises "Why did I wait so long?" My tip to anyone in the same situation is don't wait, stop living a lie and despite all the risk and possible problems, learn to live, be true to yourself, and to everyone else.

A quote I found in a Friend's Profile sums it up "Your problem is not that what you define as your 'problem'!. Your problem has in fact never been your real 'problem'!. Then the only real problem you have or have ever had, is simply what you will chose to do about your 'problem'!."

Copyright 2002 Petra Henderson, all rights reserved.

Reproduction is permitted, in whole (unedited)

for non-commercial use, for any pro-T*-people support.

Organisation Intersex International

What is it Like to be a Transsexual?

by Petra Henderson