The following article is one of the best I have seen that summarizes the processes that everyone in the family goes through a parent, who's child has told them or a spouse these five stages apply. Mine went through this as well however once again we found consonance in the work of God. As my mother was dealing with this and I had to really begun to understand, (something I am still learning) how to listen to the Creator and the Word as it speaks to us I found the following scripture one morning while doing my devotionals. While both my mother and I had read this many times on this occasion it seemed to jump out at me and although I was at work I called my mother and simply ask if she had done her devotionals that day. As she had not I simply ask that she read the following and I would speak with her later. This seemed to be a turning point for her and another revelation of the Word to me.From John 9:
1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.Placing myself in the place of the blind man I could see that through me dealing with my abnormalities and taking the time to understand and yes suffer through these I had indeed grown in Christ. It is because of this that I often call this a blessing in my writings. To emphasize just how we are task to understand our challenges given us I ask you to look at the following passage. From Romans 5
1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.Because of this scripture we can see that through diversity or tribulations we gain patience. Through patience we gain experience and through experience hope. The final passage is something that even as I write this I find applies even more. The hope found in Christ is never ending and if we are truly in Christ we have nothing to be ashamed of.DaleLynn
Now the article, "Understand your TS child: A guide to parents"
BY NICK & CO-AUTHORED BY , LILY LITTLEWOLF, NICK'S MOTHER
YOU MUST BE WILLING TO LEARN BEFORE YOU CAN FULLY ACCEPT:
IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO LEARN, YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT AND YOU MAY LOSE YOUR CHILD COMPLETELY.
Some parents find a childs transition to male awfully hard to accept let alone understand. Common questions arise when a parent is faced with the news that their daughter no longer wishes to live as a female.
How can my child do this? How can they do this to ME? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?
The self evaluation is inevitable even with parents who accept the transition with little trouble. Every parent goes through some form of self blame or sorrow over the thought of losing a daughter.
The fact is, you are not losing a daughter. And I won't be so obtuse as to insult you by saying you are not losing a daughter, you are gaining a son. I know and you know that won't appease the feelings you are having.
Your child still lives and you, the parent are fortunate enough to have retained a child unlike other parents whose child is deceased.You still have a child, just a child evolving into the person they were meant to be. One day you will see the beauty in this.
Yes, this is like a death in many ways. There are 5 stages to grief. And most parents experience some of them if not all.
Those stages are: (a variation of Dr. Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages I fully acknowledge her work and give her credit for these 5 stages.)
The first stage is DENIAL
Upon hearing the news, the parent reacts with a shocked, "No, not my child." According to Dr.Kubler-Ross, this is a healthy stage, and permits the family to develop other defenses.
Next comes ANGER OR RESENTMENT
"Why me?" is the question asked now. "Why my child?" Blame, directed against the child and God often is a part of this stage. This outcry should be accepted, unjudged even by the person transitioning.
The third stage is BARGAINING
"Yes, but-" "If you'll just give it five years, you'll grow out of this . . ." This is a period of temporary truce you will eventually resolve.
The fourth stage is DEPRESSION
Now the person says, "Yes, me, yes my child" with the courage to admit that it is happening; this acknowledgment brings depression. (Note: The family often goes through all the stages, along with the parent.)
Finally comes ACCEPTANCE
A time of facing this transition calmly.
While going through any of these, keep in mind that until the 12th week of pregnancy, all fetuses are female. All of them. A testosterone bath or a temperature change determines what sex/gender that child will be in the end. A number of things can and do go wrong.
There are many birth defects that directly involve the childs genitalia or how they mature into the sex/gender they were born as.
You might be surprised to know that all too often these birth defects occur. But just because the defect is not visible, does not mean it does not exist. Your childs brain is male and science has yet to disprove this!
And like with facing the dilemma of a child who later wishes to live as the opposite gender as what they appeared to have been born as, a child born with genital malformations is no more your fault or less credible than a female child who later wishes to transition to male!
You, as a parent, have a choice. You can either try to learn more about this (and I assume you are if you are reading this) in order to understand, love and support your child, or turn your back on them, constantly disagree or try to change them and then risk losing them.
What is your choice?
You brought them into the world and you knew they would not be any more perfect than you are, so it is senseless to try to make them be what you want them to be or make them perform to your specifications. That is demeaning and is demanding perfection and as a parent, you know that is wrong.
If you think you know what is best for them, I'm sorry but, you don't, not if your child is of age and consent.
In closing, please keep in mind that the suicide rate is high. It's tough enough as it is. But when a parent who refuses to learn or listen is added to the mix, the odds increase that the childs days on the earth could be shortened by your actions. Then you will be faced with "What did I do wrong?" and have a legitimate reason to question yourself. You will then be officially grieving their death.
Reprinted and posted by permission from the owner and co-author, Nick
Edwards. This text originally appears on The Transitional Male website at:
http://TransMenEducation.homestead.com/Index.html
A guide to parents
About our Transgendered Children
based on A Primer by Transgender Nation
From the PFLAG-Talk/TGS-PFLAG Virtual Library -- http://www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/library.html
1: What does it mean to be transgendered? Transgendered people are individuals of any age or sex who manifest characteristics, behaviors or self-expression, which in their own or someone else's perception, is typical of or commonly associated with persons of another gender.
2: Are there different types of transgendered people? Transgendered persons include pre-operative and post-operative transsexuals; transgenderists (persons living full-time in a gender opposite their birth sex with no desire to pursue surgery); transvestites (preferred term: cross-dressers, those whose gender expression occasionally differs from their birth sex); "mannish" or "passing" women, whose gender expression is masculine and who are often assumed to be lesbians, though this is not necessarily the case. Transsexual and transgenderist persons can be female-to-male (transsexual or transgendered men) as well as male-to-female (transsexual or transgendered women).
3. What causes a person to be transgendered? No definite answer can be offered to this question. Research suggests there is a biological basis for transgendered behavior but to what degree is unknown. Transgendered people manifest their condition at different stages in their lives ranging from infancy to old age. This leads to the observation that biology creates a capacity while nurture and individual choice may retard or accelerate the emergence or degree of transgendered behavior.
4. Can transgendered people be treated or cured? There is no known cure or course of treatment which reverses the transgendered person's manifestation of the characteristics and behaviors of another gender. Transgendered people have at times been subjected to electric shock therapy, aversion therapy (applying physical pain to condition response), drug therapy and other procedures. None of these "cures" have succeeded. Many such "cures" have been painful and dehumanizing for the victims. While there is no cure for transgendered persons, many transsexuals can benefit from counseling with mental health professionals with training and experience in gender identity issues. Professional counselors can help individuals and their families evaluate their situation and provide important support and education for individuals undergoing gender transition.
5. Is transgendered behavior sinful and against the teachings of the Bible? An isolated passage in the Book of Deuteronomy (22:5) reads: "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God." This passage is part of what biblical scholars refer to as the Hebrew Purity Code, a system of rules for social behavior and dietary consumption intended to "purify" the body and spirit in God's eyes. In the broader context of the Purity Code this is a minor passage which is accompanied by prohibitions against intercourse with a menstruating woman, wearing clothing made of mixed fibers, sacrificing a blemished animal and remarrying a former wife. Taken together the prohibitions of the Purity Code amount to arbitrary cultural taboos as contrasted with the more profound precepts of the Ten Commandments. Biblical scholars and theologians warn of the danger of selective interpretation of the Bible in a way which upholds some passages while ignoring others and overlooking the broader context. Other authors point out that what "pertaineth unto a man" and what garments "pertain to women" have undergone continual change throughout history. Judged strictly by Hebrew standards the entirety of modern civilization would appear to violate the Purity Code.
6. Are transgendered people gay? Most transgendered persons identify themselves as heterosexual. Their intrinsic difference is their gender identity, not their sexual orientation: these are two different things altogether. However, transgendered people are perceived by most people as homosexuals, and thus are discriminated against in similar ways.
7. How are Transgendered People Discriminated Against? Like gay men, lesbians and bisexuals, transgendered people face employment and housing discrimination. They are also denied public accommodations and access to health care for their medical conditions. They are also potential targets for hate crimes: verbal harassment, hate mail, harassing telephone calls and acts of violence committed by the same persons who hate homosexuals and bisexuals. But unlike gay men, lesbians and bisexuals, transgendered people are much more likely to fall victim to discrimination and hate crimes, because most of them possess physical or behavioral characteristics that readily identify them as transgendered.
8. Are there differences between crossdressers and transsexuals? The largest subgroup of transgendered persons are crossdressers who are mainly heterosexual men, although there are also women who crossdress. Apart from their occasional crossdressing, they lead lives that are quite ordinary in all other respects. Most crossdressers are married and many have children, so they have much to lose from their transgendered state being revealed. They also wish to remain in the sex they were born, unlike transsexuals.
9: Why do they feel that way? The overall psychological term is called gender dysphoria, an intense feeling of pain, anguish, and anxiety from the mis-assignment of a transgendered person's sex at birth. All transgendered people suffer from it, but the feeling becomes more acute for transsexuals and transgenderists, usually in the middle of their lives. These feelings lead many transgendered people into depression, anxiety, chemical dependencies, divorces and other family problems, even suicide. In order to seek relief from their gender dysphoria, transsexual and transgenderist persons transition, or to begin living their lives in their true genders, which are opposite their birth sexes. This means they literally must "out" themselves to their employers, their families, their friends, everyone.
10: How can I help support the transgendered person in my family? First, offer your family member your unconditional love and support. Secondly, educate yourself about transgenderism and transgendered people and their concerns. Thirdly, help your loved one educate and "come out" to other family members and friends who will be supportive.
Media Guide:
Some Basic Guidelines When Covering Transgendered Individuals in Stories
1. Outing: Remember that any reporting of the transgendered status of any transgendered person without his or her expressed permission is outing that person, and has the equivalent potential for harming that person as does outing a gay man, lesbian or bisexual man or woman. Outing is Invasion of Privacy.
2. Full-time Living Status: If a transgendered person is living fill-time in the gender opposite their birth sex (i.e, a "man" living as a woman or a "woman" living as a man) prior to or without sex reassignment surgery, that person should be referred to at all times with terms appropriate to their current gender. Usage tips: "Transgendered Woman" is appropriate for male-to-female persons. "Transgendered Man" is appropriate for female-to-male persons. "Transgendered Person" is appropriate for both types of the above.
3. Part-time Status: If a transgendered person is not living full-time, they may intend to do so the future. Do not assume that a cross-dressed person is a "transvestite", someone who engages in cross-dressing only occasionally. Usage Tips: Instead of "transvestite", the preferred term is crossdresser. "Male Crossdresser" or "Female Crossdresser" are appropriate for these persons only if it is clear they do not live full-time nor intend to. (see #7).
4. Surgical Status: Generally speaking, if a male-to-female or a female-to-male transsexual has had sex reassignment surgery, the appropriate terms are "Transsexual Woman" or "Transsexual Man". However, almost all post-operative transsexuals are extremely sensitive about their transsexual status. This information should be considered confidential and should never be used in a story without their clearly given prior consent. (see #1)
(I would like to add here that this is not about and operation however in the looking at the orgian of the word once someone has reached the state they belong they are no longer in transition DaleLynn)
5. Pronouns and Possessive Adjectives: To refer to transgendered persons using pronouns and possessive adjectives appropriate to their birth sex (i.e, "he" or "his" for male-to-female persons, "she" or "her" for female-to-male persons) is equivalent to calling a gay man "faggot" or a lesbian "dyke". It is extremely offensive. Usage tip: At all times, use pronouns and possessive appropriate to a transgendered persons current gender status or gender expression.
6. Avoid Aspersion by Using Quotation Marks: Never put the appropriate pronouns or possessives in quotes. Never put the sexual orientations or genitalia of transgendered persons in quotes.
7. Self-Identification: Ask an individual transgendered person how they wish to be identified. We all like to describe ourselves differently, and some variance in terminology is to be expected. Self-identification is an important right. When in doubt, just ask.
AND
What follows is a news article about a report just published by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
This is more of a "findings and recommendations" report but it is a good start... and it does challenge the status Quo. If you want to see the original article, the link is provided.. otherwise the text is included below...
Guidelines Created for `Intersex' Babies Doctors release report on ambiguous genitalia Carl T. Hall, Chronicle Science Writer Tuesday, July 4, 2000
Confronting some of the most highly charged issues in child development, the nation's leading group of pediatricians issued its first-ever guidelines yesterday for treatment of newborns with ambiguous genitalia.
A report by the American Academy of Pediatrics called the birth of such a child a ``social emergency'' that demands a circumspect approach and specialized medical attention.
Profound harm can be done if doctors and nurses use dehumanizing language or assign a gender to an `intersexual'' child too soon, the doctors group said.
``Because words spoken in the delivery room may have a lasting impact on parents and their relationship with their infant, it is important that no attempt be made to suggest a diagnosis or offer a gender assignment,'' the report cautioned. ``The infant should be referred to as `your baby' or `your child' -- not `it,' `he' or `she.' ''
The report was written by a committee of medical experts including pediatric endocrinologists, urologists and geneticists. It appears in this month's issue of Pediatrics, a medical journal published by the 55,000-member pediatrics academy.
The report reflects a deep rethinking under way in the medical community toward issues of physical appearances and gender identity. Those issues can become most difficult in cases of genital anomalies, which can result from various genetic and hormonal causes. Diagnoses include testicular feminization, cliteromegaly, micropenis, Klinefelter syndrome and adrenal hyperplasia.
According to many estimates, 1 out of every 2,000 or 3,000 infants is born with ambiguous genitalia -- which adds up to at least a couple thousand babies in the United States a year.
Some medical experts and patient advocates call for an immediate halt to early surgeries to ``correct'' an anomalous appearance, preferring to let the child make up his or her own mind at an appropriate age.
CALL FOR METHODICAL APPROACH
The new report stopped short of any such sweeping recommendations, suggesting instead a step-by- step approach to individualized diagnosis, starting with careful physical examination, laboratory studies and sensitive discussion with parents. In most cases, the report notes, intersexual children and their families will need specialized care and counseling.
The pronouncement comes with strong warnings against using words or taking actions that might tend to foreclose medical options for the family
--or stigmatize children who don't fit the norm.
``People make comments without a lot of thought sometimes,'' said Dr. Christopher Cunniff, a geneticist at the University of Arizona who, as chair of the pediatrics academy's genetics committee, was a co- author of the report released yesterday.
``It happens all the time in the medical field. We get somewhat inured to some of the difficult things that might be going on, and we can sometimes lose sight of the human level.''
PROVIDING A VOCABULARY
For most family practitioners and delivery room personnel, Cunniff noted, cases of severe genital anomalies are so rare that ``people don't have a frame of reference, or they say things they shouldn't out of discomfort.
Here, we're trying to give people a vocabulary.''
He added that the medical community is still debating the appropriate standard of care, goaded in part by vocal demands of some intersexual or transgendered adults who view surgery, unless chosen by the individual, as a form of genital mutilation.
An organization called the Intersex Society of North America, for example, demands ``a world free of shame, secrecy and unwanted surgery'' for people whose anatomy merely ``differs from cultural ideals of male and female.''
The group's Web site is at isna.org.
BOOK RAISED AWARENESS
The issue has also received attention through the recent appearance of the book, ``As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl,'' by John Colapinto (HarperCollins, 2000), about the case of a child's failed surgical transformation.
During an interview, Cunniff acknowledged that ``the status quo is unsettled.''
``A lot of issues have been going on during the last three or four years that have highlighted the need to bring some information about this to the general pediatric community,'' he said. ``This is a controversial subject.''
Traditionally, parents of children with ambiguous genitalia would be urged to choose the child's gender as quickly as possible, and to have them undergo surgery as appropriate. Now, research suggests that a child's identity may not be so easily manipulated.
``There used to be an idea that gender is somewhat malleable,'' Cunniff said. ``With the right hormones, a certain style of dressing and hair, the idea was that one could relatively easily reassign gender with minimal disruption.''
That idea has been challenged on a number of fronts, Cunniff acknowledged, which prompted the doctors group to conduct the formal inquiry that led to today's report.
``The concepts of `male' and `female' may be a little different as we understand them now,'' he said.
SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE
Cheryl Chase, founder of the Intersex Society, said the new report does not go far enough in condemning early surgery. But she welcomed the message that premature attempts at gender-assignment can lead to family discord and a lifetime of harrowing psychological problems.
The key problem, she said, occurs when people decide that ``sexual ambiguity is shameful.''
That happened in her own case, Chase said, recalling a confused childhood when she looked like a girl but felt like a boy, following mysterious operations she said were never explained to her.
``You really have to avoid assigning a sex until you can decide what sex to assign,'' she said, adding that before a surgical option is taken, ``the child has to be old enough to understand what the trade-offs are.''
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DON'T REFER TO INFANT AS `IT'
The American Academy of Pediatrics issued guidelines yesterday for how doctors should treat newborns with ambiguous genitalia. Some highlights:
-- No attempt should be made in the delivery room to suggest a diagnosis or assign a gender to the child. Typically, that is best done only after special screening and referral to specialists.
-- Infants with anomalous genitalia should be referred to as ``your baby'' rather than ``he,'' ``she'' or ``it.''
-- Outward appearances can vary widely even in children with the same underlying condition. Therefore, physical examination alone usually is not enough to suggest a diagnosis.
-- Care should be taken to ensure a ``positive atmosphere'' for the parents as they begin their relationship with the child. ``The emotional tone established by health care professionals . . . can have a lasting influence on how the parents conceptualize the abnormal genital development.''
-- In explaining events to the family, health-care providers may need to convey some of the basic facts of gender development. For example, male and female embryos start with undifferentiated gonadal tissue, whose final appearance is shaped by the presence or absence of specific genes and hormones.
-- Many questions remain as to the long-term psychological and physical aspects of treatment. Conflicts may arise in some individuals between their psychosexual orientation and their genital appearance and function. Such problems should be handled by mental health professionals experienced in
intersex disorders.
-- For more information, contact the National Organization of Rare Disorders at (800) 999-6673, or rarediseases.org.
Author's E-mail: Carl Hall at cthall@sfgate.com.
Guidlines Created for Intersex babies Created on 08/14/00 7:57 AM
ALSO SEE
Organisation Intersex International
Gender and Children
